I want a beginning.

Lately I've been feeling lost.

Maybe it's not a new thing for me. Maybe a year ago to the day I was feeling the same way. I'm not sure any more. I have too much on my mind, and it's all circling around, unresolved and undecided.

Today I realized I lost both my last 4 months of work email and the backup of said email. I looked for another backup copy everywhere. My work laptop harddrive has been on the fritz lately, causing the sporadic blue screen of death, and at other times spyware like Bargain Buddy revives itself to taunt me. I'm sick of the machine. And our IT people aren't really helping. I told them I needed a new hard drive, and instead they sent a guy with a CD. He ran a drive repair utility that another guy told him to try. That took the better part of a day to finish doing its thing: nothing. I ask him today when I can get a new drive. He tells me to come by on Monday. Meanwhile another IT guy sends out a company memo telling everyone the "good news": we no longer have to use Windows Update ourselves, instead, leave the laptops plugged in and they'll auto-install any patches and reboot automatically. Great.

Everything seems to be going so slowly. My mail program. Chug chug chug. My project. Chug chug chug. My relationship. Chug. My life. Chug. Chug. Chug. I'm not even sure what I'm ambitous for anymore. Something to do with leaving a legacy, maybe a bit of deserved fame, building something that lasts and is of utility. I think that's what I want. Or is it?

All the big decisions are aswirl. What do I want to do? How do I get out of this? Should I buy or keep renting? What should I buy? Should I propose? How should I do it? Is that the right thing? How do I buy that ring? Why am I always buying, when can I make more money? What should I begin? I want a beginning. Instead I'm still here, anxious and frustrated, reactive when I want to be pro-active.

Argh.

I need to get out.
- posted by Joe @ 8:53 PM